Speaking to a friend, I am reminded of old feelings that I once had. Feelings of resentment.. futility.. even specks of greed (although in a healthy amount).. towards myself and my future.
I recalled an afternoon about two years ago where I stood pacing - and eventually falling to - my kitchen floor.. shaking.. crying.. thinking.
I had just gotten through a rather tough arguement with my parents. Basically, I wasn't living up to their expectations. I was trying as hard as I damnwell knew how to and they just didn't get that I couldn't do any better. I cant remember what all of it was over specifically. Ahh yes. Algeo and the fact that I dropped it.
My parents and sister had just gone out to the car and were waiting for me. I locked the door behind them and immediately went to the phone to call my father's cellphone and tell him to leave without me.
He asked why.
Hearing that I was crying on the other end, he came in rather quickly. He found me pacing the length of my kitchen.. Just back and fourth.. My head down, never once making eye-contact.. and I was muttering to myself. At the time I had no idea what I was saying, and neither did my father. That's when I collapsed to the ground.
I shook from head to toe while I continued to mutter whatever it was that was coming out. After a while there (my mother had already made it back into the house at this point) I stood up, said 'I'm ok'.. and proceeded to the washroom where I tried to remove the red puffyness from my face (but to no avail).
I came out of the washroom babbling and repeating the same phrase to myself over and over again. "I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok."
I must have scared my mother because she was in tears when I came out too.
Anyway, after a little discussion with my mum, we went out to dinner.. Swiss Chalet if I remember correctly.. and the rest of the night went on without a hitch.
But it wasn't over.
The following day at school it all came crashing back to me like it never left.
I vaguely remember sitting in the caf with a bunch of people. I was staring out of the window when I felt another tear slide down my cheek. It was weird at the time, until I knew what was happening. I knew it was all about to happen again, so I got up without explanation and left. I'm told I met James in my Locker Bay and repeated the sentence "I'm ok." to him a couple times before tapping myself in my head with a book and leaving, although I dont remember any of it.
The next thing I remember is Christa coming up beside me while I sat staring at a blank screen with my business textbook open in front of me at a computer in the library.
This hasn't happened since then, but I firmly believe that it was a result of pressure. I just exploded. Mentally, physically... it was my mind telling me to slow down.
I'm writing this for more than one reason. 1) people who aren't students out there - give us students a break, ok? we work harder than you think. and 2) people who ARE students - sometimes you've got to sit back and evaluate your life and decide what is better - high grades? or health?
Remember this people... Learn from my mistakes... burning a candle at one end is smart... burning it at two ends isn't. burning it at three ends is impossible.
Wednesday, April 30, 2003 ::
4:19:00 AM
