I've been really bummed the last few days (weeks?).
But first let me go through how my job is going. It's going well... Sitting in the car all day waiting for a truck to come by is a ton of fun... *rolls eyes*... I've been listening to the Mix 99.9 on the radio practically non-stop for a week and have noticed that they play the same bloody songs over and over and over again all day... it's really funny, but most of it is good music so I have no problems. I've also got my new cell phone - for those of you who want the number, just ask me. I went with Fido, and for $150 I got the phone, and 4 months of service including voice mail, text messages, and call display. I figure after that time I'll be at school, and I'll just switch over to Pay as you Go cuz I'll have my own phone at school anyway..
Anyway, the job, as mentioned, is going well. The first couple of days it was kinda slow, but that's just because I wasn't really needed. So I basically used it to get used to the environment and the people. They're all great people, and seem to be really close with eachother. They made it easy for me to feel welcome there.
As far as MY job goes, I *actually* started on Thursday. I was out on the job site and started taking the tickets from the truckers. It's actually really difficult to keep track of a stretch of road and make sure u nail all the trucks coming in and out. And my job is more dangerous than I had originally thought! I'll walk along side the trucks as they're dumping so that the guy never needs to stop. He'll hand me his ticket through the window and I'll sign it and hand it back... that's all in the far right lane... 1 (ONE!) lane over there is live traffic... so all I have between me and the traffic is about a foot and a half of breathing space... not a comfy feeling, but it needs to be done. Now I know why they got me to fill out death and dismemberment forms before taking the job...
So how has my life outside of work been? Well when I'm not sleeping (and even sometimes when I am) I've been doing a lot of reflecting.. looking back on my past and thinking about all the things that I've done wrong that may, if they were done another way, have gotten me what I want today. But I'm sure a ton of you already do that, or have done it at least once. It's not a good feeling, I know... because hindsight is always 20/20.. well, in most cases at least. But sometimes, just sometimes, there are instances where hindsight isn't 20/20... does that mean that the future of those instances aren't meant to conclude to anything more than just instances? I often wish I knew the answer to this question.
I've also been thinking a lot about my future.. about what it is that I want, and about what I can do now to not get to a point sometime down the road where I look back and think of this point of my life as just a scheme of instances all jumbled together. I dont see that happening, though. I know I'm going to be successful. I know that. I'm not trying to be cocky, but I know I'll do very well for myself because I will choose to do well for myself. But what does that matter? it doesn't. Not if I dont have anyone to share everything with. Wealth, possessions, personal happiness. I can have wealth, and I can own whatever I wish... but where does the personal happiness come from?
I'm reminded of a movie called Sweet November. ugh, Keanu Reeves, I know.... but I've often wished for that to be my life.. well, the first half of the movie, anyway. (For those that have seen it, you'll know what I'm talking about... those that haven't, go rent it. it's a great story.) I've always wanted that. Unconditional love. Giving up millions, my job, and my life to be with a girl because I know I could never live without her. Making money is easy. Making a relationship is impossible. At least it is for me. I'd give up everything, and do anything. I like to consider myself to be a genuinely caring guy, one who listens and knows how to laugh... someone who can talk. But that has never seemed to be enough.
Which leads me to a topic of conversation that I mentioned earlier regarding the SubTitle of my site: Gettin' screwed while everyone else is gettin' laid. A buddy of mine from school and I were talking about this not too long ago. We were talking about how, at this stage in our lives, nice guys like us always finish last in the relationship department. May I direct you to a website authored by his friend: How an Ass Gets Laid. (and may I tell you that the "Kyle" mentioned on that page isn't me.) Basically it states that women will generally - but not always - go for the "asshole" rather than the guy who will buy her flowers or open the door for her. And also on that page is a step by step method for guys like me that, if followed, will guarantee a relationship. Now I'll give things up and change aspects of my life for a girl, but I'll never change who I am to get one, and I'm not about to "act like an asshole" just to ensure a relationship. But although I may not agree with the rules posted on the site, the meaning is very agreeable for me.
Now a theory like that is very cynical, I know. And I know that if "that feeling" isn't there, then a relationship would be impossible. But it's kind of hard to see that side of it logically from the opposite standpoint.
Which leads me to another personal question. How did I become "the guy to talk to about relationships and problems withm" and not the one that actually could be considered to be "relationship material" ? And if you think I'm talking about you, I want to stress that I'm not. I'd never single someone out in this blog (well... almost never). I can think of at least a half-dozen of you out there who see me as the former. And that's ok! Trust, value, and friendship are all important to me. Very important. But the "that feeling" feeling is also important.
Meh.. I dont know. They always say that love appears when you stop looking for it. Maybe I should stop looking? I mean, I have been for about 4 months now and I'm not any closer now than I was then.. And I look back to my previous relationships and neither one of them started when I was actually looking for a relationship. The first relationship I had happened outta the blue. I was invited to a party from someone who I considered to just be a friend of mine. Anyway, I didn't even go to it for reasons I cant remember. I think I was at my brothers place? anyway.. she kept talking to me and eventually we started dating. My next relationship started because we were alone one night and started talking about the "what ifs", and realized that we both wanted to try something. I wasn't actively looking for a relationship with either one of them, but the relationship found us... maybe I should wait for an instance like that again... did I say instance? oye...
*sigh* ok, enough of that... I dont want to beat a dead horse here. As you will find, I often just end up running in circles whenever I explain how I feel sometimes... you'll have to forgive me. and I also apologize for not keeping this blog up to date, but with my full time job now, I just have no "get up and go" left in me.. I'll write more when I can.
Until next time.....
*fade to black*
:: Eldorado ::
Saturday, May 31, 2003 ::
9:19:00 PM
