Song of choice: If I Didn't Have You - Amanda Marshall
Huh.. more than a week, and I really dont know what to write about. As far as my job goes, read my last post. Nothing has changed.
What's been going on with ME personally lately? To tell you the truth, I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster.
My mind is a deep and clouded ocean, and my heart is the beach. Both completely separate entities, but two things that need to depend on each other to exist.
When I go to a beach, I love spending most of my time just lounging out on the sand... digging massive holes and seeing just how creative I can be in what to do with these holes. But as far as my analogy goes, is it ok to spend most of my time on the beach, digging in the sand? Should I listen to my heart?
The truth is I would absolutely love to, however I'm in a position where my mind and my heart are both passing their ideas back and forth, never once sharing the same feeling. It's a game of tennis, and as of right now neither side has let the ball pass them.
I sit here tonight - blue jeans and black t-shirt (affectionately dubbed as my "gino shirt" by a certain BLONDE, whose name shall remain untyped) - in a mood which has plagued my very state of mind for at least the last couple of weeks. Please make it go away. Please make it stop. I dont want to stop what I'm feeling, but I want to at least be able to control it. Free will? I'm starting to think humans have no such thing. Or maybe we do, we just dont know how to deal with it. Or at least I dont. If you do, please share your secret with me.
Or maybe free will depends solely on actions, and not emotions? Does this make sense? If this is the case, we have free will - however it is limited. Limited to that which we have control over. In this sense, is it really free? Are we free to do as we wish? Or are we free to do as we can, within reason?
Another profound personal discovery I had of myself this weekend was the fact that I'm a blue triangle. Tell me, readers, please make my job easier and tell me what colour/shape you are. If you have no idea as to what I'm talking about, dont worry.
Anyway, inserting horizontal line here... I want to separate these two topics to avoid confusion.
Friday night was decidedly the night that Jess and I were going to see each other, and what a fantastic night it was. She probably doesn't think so, but even without the two stand-ins we were looking for to sit on my couch and work on a crossword puzzle with an Elton John DVD playing in the background while her and I sat and played GoFish, I still really enjoyed it.
We had my house to ourselves because my parents were already out of town, and at the last minute I got a call from my sister on my cell phone explaining that she was going up north with her Boyfriend. This was good because then we wouldn't have to fight for the TV with anyone. We ordered a pizza... ok, we ordered a couple pizzas (which, by the way, are totally gone now) and just had a nice night in. We ram shacked my movie collection and decided to watch Forest Gump. Half way through we walked down to the store (such a GORGEOUS night) to get something to drink. We talked about how we both got to know each other, and how our attitudes with each other haven't changed much over the last 3 years and 1 month that we've been actively talking. Her first message to me on icq, actually, was "DAMN! I accidentally hit authorize!. She just looked absolutely dumbfounded as we walked on how sarcastic our relationship was at that time. Especially with a person that she didn't know so well and who was slightly older. I laughed, and chalked it up to our immediate realization that there was a profound sense of chemistry between us.
I have to admit, the first time her and I went out alone together, I was extremely nervous. I dont know why, but I was. We went to Silver City to see Chicken Run. I drove there after one of my Driving lessons one day, and her mum drove her there to meet me. I remember sitting at one of the small round tables waiting for her to show up. Eventually I saw her climb out of her car, and walk up to the large double doors of the theater. I stood up and started to walk towards her but she didn't see me, so I scooted between the row of FastLane machines and came up behind her. I tapped her on the shoulder, and we went to buy our tickets.
After seeing the movie, we went for a walk. We walked all around the area, eventually stopping at Coffee Time Donuts to grab a drink. There, I believe she (or I) got a bagel - c'mon.. my memory isn't THAT good! And we just sat outside on one of their picnic tables and talked. So begins our verbal relationship. (note: I've been informed that it was HER who got the bagel =P)
We walked around until dusk, and found a bus shelter behind PriceClub, and it was there that she first told me about her uncle and his husband (which I'm still absolutely DYING to meet). My bus came, and went. I wasn’t going to leave her there alone! So we talked some more and she got in her bus when it arrived and went home. I was there for another 10 minutes or so before my bus arrived which didn't stop. It drove right on by me. I still remember the dirty look I gave the bus as I realized that it wasn't going to stop *scrunches up face*. So a half hour goes by and I get on my bus to go home, I get home, talk to my brother a bit and hear about his day golfing, and I go up to go to sleep.
And that was it! dont ask me why I wrote it. This entry started off with such a weird beginning with a rather questionable direction, and I ended up writing about how Jessica and I started talking.... But it's fitting. She has been such a source of emotional stability for me over the last 3+ years. She has always been my voice of reason and understanding. Even when I was faced with situations in which others sat and scrunched their nose up at, or thought I was absolutely out of my mind for even considering, she was there telling me that what I thought mattered, and if I wanted to do whatever it was I was thinking about at the time - if I thought it was right for ME - then I should do it. I thank you, Jessica, for being the one who taught me to dig holes in the sand, while soaking my feet in the water when it came to those things.
I'd like to write more, but I think that's a fitting conclusion.
huh.... is it a coinsidence that I finish writing this and I hear the first sounds of a thunderstorm outside?
Until next time......
*fade to black*
:: Eldorado ::
Sunday, June 08, 2003 ::
6:56:00 PM
