Sunday, August 08, 2004 :: 2:29:00 AM

Song of choice: It's a Long Way to the Top (if you Wanna Rock and Roll) - ACDC / The School of Rock

*Warning - dull rambles ahead. And you're going to wish that you had bought the rights to the question mark when you're done reading this entry...*

Life. Or something like it?

I like that phrase. It makes me wonder whether or not life is something everyone experiences, or just a select few that are lucky enough to win some sort of devine (or if you dont swing that way, 'mystical') lottery.

I look back over the years of me growing up, and I think about all the people that I used to be. I was innocent. A mama's boy. I still am, actually, as much as I'd hate to admit it. But now it doesn't quite define exactly who I am anymore. When my father lived on the east coast for those years (moved because of work, came home for a couple days once or twice a month), it brought my mother and I closer together - almost. From her point of view, we were never closer because of my father's absence. Was it because of this? I dont know. But that's when I started to get all nasty.

Who was I?

Was I the kid that cut a girl's hair in grade 2? Was I the kid that shot water on a neighbour's silk shirt on their way out to a wedding when they explicitly told me (as I held the water gun out to them) not to even think about it? God did I get burned for that one.... Was I the kid that went into the teacher's desk in grade 6 when nobody else was around to reclaim what was rightfully mine that was taken away? Was I the kid that, at the same time, reclaimed what rightfully belonged to others, for myself? Was I the kid that liked to set the tennis courts at school on fire? Was I the kid that liked to create home-made pyrotechnics and light them in a friend's garage? Was I the kid that took the same pyrotechnics, and lit them in my (former) grade school stairwell? Was I the kid that always got into fights, or the kid that bit a hole (Yes, bit) through another kids hand because he "wrecked my pile of rocks, and then proceeded to jump on me because I told him off for doing so"? Was it me that wrote my name in HUGE letters on the asphalt of the playground in chalk? At the time I denied it, although everyone knew it was me. Was I nearly beat senseless by a group of 7 students because I made a crack about the leader of the "group" and a girl he liked? Was it me that got blamed by the principal for provoking that 'gang' attack "because I was white, and should have given the "less intelligent" group of black kids the benefit of the doubt"? Was it really me that picked a fight in the middle of my grade 8 french class with a guy that was bigger, and had bigger friends than I did? Was I the kid that went through a time in his life where even those closest to him saw how messed up he was, and seriously entertained the idea that they might find me hanging motionless from the closest "hangable" object?

Or, am I the guy that pokes around harmlessly on a computer? Am I the guy that would, without question, be there if I was needed? The guy that loves before he is given a reason to? Am I the guy that follows what his heart wants, risking being outcasted by most that love him? Do I really have people that love me? I'd like to think so. Am I the guy that wants to stay up with someone when they're having trouble sleeping? Am I the guy that sits and thinks about his future, and how he can absolutely spoil every person who is a part of it? Am I the guy that just wants to have his arm around someone whom he loves, and who loves him, as I sleep? Am I the guy that has a million things to frown about, but a billion things to smile about? Am I the guy that sits and ponders how he could have spent most of his life alone? Especially knowing (now) what kind of people really exist out there? Am I the guy that is THAT lucky? I mean, *really* that lucky?

How can this be? How can I be all of these people? How can all of these people be me? I'm not looking for a cliche answer to these questions... Not really, at least... The point of this post was to just explain that although we may know ourselves... That doesn't mean we know who we are, or who we will become. We never know what sequence of events is going to push us down another path of life. For me, my days of hair cutting, smoke bomb making, fire starting, and fighting ended the day that I met the people I did in grade 10. The day that I said that I would spend my time playing Car Wars, actually, with a guy that I had known from my french class. THAT is how random life can change. Dont ever assume that your situation now will reflect your life 10 years from now, 10 days from now, or even 10 seconds from now. You can look back at who you were, but all you know is 'now'.

Live what you know. Dont live what you think you know, or what you knew.

Sign my Guestbook, damnit. For now, you know that!

Until next time.......
*fade to black*

:: Eldorado ::