I cant explain why, so I dont know why I constantly ask myself. Allow me to elaborate.
A friend here turned 19. I was excited because I was going to be going to the first ever pub night at Caps, the campus pub. It's strange, I've been here for three years, and although I've been to Caps a ton, I've never been on a pub night. I just didn't like the idea of waiting in that huge line just to get in. Also, 8am classes on friday mornings dont help the situation.
Anyway, because we were going for this friend's birthday party, Beth told me that I've been put on the Guest list for the pub tonight, which means no line up for Kyle! Great! I'll finally be able to experience a pub night at the campus pub...
I was wrong. I was booked to work tonight! No biggie, though, I get off at 11... then I'll just walk over.. Wrong again! The birthday girl decided to go to The Wild Rose, which is a country dance club turned night club that is nearby, and a bunch of rez people go to. Uck. What does this mean for Kyle? It means that, yet again, everyone is out having fun while I'm stuck behind.
I dont know why I get this way. It's almost like I begrudge the people for going out and having a good time. Even back in first year when there would be a party to go to that I couldn't make, I got so incredibly jealous. That's it, jealousy - that's why I feel they way I do. They're having fun and I'm not. I assume that's a normal feeling to have, considering I'm not one to usually overreact.
Anyway, here I sit working. I'm working the other desk tonite, the one that isn't as busy as the front desk. It's really good because it allows me to actually get some work done. Some MUCH NEEDED time to sit down in front of a computer screen, distraction free (nearly.... stupid blogger), and work. I decided to whip off a couple assignments for my online english class that I have yet to even touch. They're surprisingly easy - I'd like to do more courses online.
I've also been super upset lately. So much so that my mind is racing at night causing me to stay awake. Everything from possibly missing Jessica's birthday this weekend, to a possible fail this semester, to me just being disappointed with myself overall. The only constant in my life right now is Beth, and I'm afraid I'm turning to her not because I'm looking for help but because everything seems to go away when I'm around her. And that's bad - very bad. I just push things under the carpet when it comes to the bad stuff in my life, and I never deal with it.
I'm slipping.
And not just with school, but my sleep paterns are going as well. I'm finding it a lot easier to stay in bed in the mornings than to get up and go to class.
I proved to myself in the summer time that if I pushed myself to at least attend all of the classes, but still keep the same work ethic, that I could do well in a class. Me, Kyle, who doesn't know how to program ANYTHING (or at least I've convinced myself of that fact) pulled off a B+ in my Microassembly Language Programming class -which is known as THE hardcore programming language that is one of the most difficult. I didn't even try, all I did was show up, and I got a B+.... why cant I just show up to my classes now? why do I continue to sleep late?
I wish I had the answers...
I wish I had my old friends back.... msn isn't good enough..
Until next time.......
*fade to black*
:: Eldorado ::
Thursday, November 25, 2004 ::
5:09:00 PM
